A site for my handmade cards, accompanied by my photos and written meanderings which are occasionally witty, often tongue-in-cheek, and rarely profound. Beginning in June 2013, you'll also see lots of NBUS, which is an acronym I coined for Never-Before-Used-Schtuff. Note: my Privacy Policy can be found at a tab below. Thanks for coming by! Have a beverage and enjoy!

October 31, 2018

Happy Halloween!!

Hello Stamplings!

I wish all of you who celebrate a very Happy Halloween! May you enjoy all the sweet and scary little Trick 'or Treat darlings who come to your door! And may you enjoy all the leftover candy!!

I have a special card to share.
My dilemma is which one of my BFFs to give this snarky card to!! If you look closely, you can see many mini-mes reflected in the hologram sticker so that makes me the most petrified bat of all!!

Challenges
Grab our Badge!For your blog
Grab Our Badge!

~~~~~

A MODERN DAY HORROR STORY
by Darnell J. Knauss

Jean and her husband Frank had been to Florida to visit her elderly parents. They had a few minutes layover between flights home and Jean had to pee like a big dog, so she hiked her giant tote high on her shoulder and started walking. Finding the restroom, Jean turned the corner to go in, only to come to a screeching halt because of the line wrapping around the entry and back into the area with the stalls.

Jean stood with the weight of her bag first on one hip and then on the other. She inched forward, aware of the time. Finally, she was at the head of the line. Feeling like a pervert, she heaved her shoulder bag onto her back and leaned way over to peer down the line of stalls and under the doors to see if one was empty. As Jean leaned over, she could feel the contents of her tote shifting forward, so she stood up abruptly, adjusted her bag, and leaned over again to peer under the doors. She did this exercise four times when suddenly a door opened! Jean lurched towards it as if towards the promised land.

As she got close to the stall, Jean pulled down the sleeve of her sweater so she didn't have to touch the door handle with her bare hand. Because of her tote, she squeezed through the door sideways, scraping her knee on the toilet paper holder as she turned around to face the door. Once again pulling the sleeve of her sweater over her hand, she latched the door. It popped back open. With a heavy sigh, Jean calmed herself and using a crumpled tissue from the pocket of her sweater, she finally got the door to stay closed.

Jean gleefully removed the tote from her shoulder and using both hands, she hoisted it forward to hang it on the hook on the back of the door. Wait. There was no hook! How can there be no hook? She turned all the way around, gripping the bag, scanning the sides of the stall for a hook somewhere, anywhere. No where. Well, there was no way in hell Jean was going to put her bag on that filthy floor, so she slung the straps over the toilet paper holder leaving the bag to hang a scant half inch off the floor.

By now toilets were flushing all around and water was running in the sinks, all noises that make someone with a full bladder have to GO. Now! With renewed adrenaline, Jean quickly reached into the box containing the toilet seat covers and placed one on the seat. As Jean finished setting the paper in place and turned around to step in front of the toilet so she could sit down, the automatic toilet thought she was finished and it flushed, flushing the seat cover down the drain. Oh, for ...

Okay, okay. Taking a deep breath and squeezing harder, Jean grabbed another seat cover, punched out the opening and hurriedly placed the wispy thing on the edges of the seat. Once it settled, Jean moved with the speed an athlete, bending at the waist, swiveling her right ankle, whipping down her panties, and sitting down in one fluid movement before the automatic eye could flush the toilet again.

Aaaaahhh! That was way too close for comfort, but now Jean was okay.

Unwinding her tote and putting it on her lap, Jean leaned down to look under the black container holding a giant roll of toilet paper to see where the roll started. No paper was hanging outside the opening so poor Jean nearly toppled off the seat from leaning so far forward. She put her hand inside the dark opening and used her fingernails to send the roll turning, frantically scratching at the paper as the roll turned, trying to find the end. Jean knew from experience that one of the great mysteries of the universe is why it takes a full five rotations before the torn end of the paper reveals itself.

Jean pulled the very thin paper, but the more she pulled, the narrower it seemed to become. She could feel herself losing the will to live. The more she pulled, the more the paper coiled snake-like in her hand like a mountain of dental floss. Jean could only wonder what kind of engineering maniacism this was. Finally gathering 38 feet of paper that barely covered her hand, Jean dried her lady bits and stood up.

The toilet flushed immediately with such force that it sucked the tissue and one dollar bill out of her pants pocket. It did not, however, flush the toilet seat cover which by now was firmly stuck to her back side. Peeling it off, Jean pulled up her pants and straightened her clothes. Relieved physically and happy to have finally accomplished her task, Jean tossed her tote over her shoulder and reached for the latch. AACCKK! In her haste, she touched the latch with her bare hand!

Rushing to the sink, Jean held her hands under the automatic soap dispenser ... nothing happened! Grrr. She put her head down and weaved between the other women to another empty sink where the dispenser was working. It dispensed a dime-size plop of air soap. Placing her hands under the automatic water faucet, the foam evaporated as soon as the cold water hit it. In order to get her hands clean, Jean feverishly shot her hands back and forth between the soap and water a dozen times.

Crossing the room to the racks of paper towels, Jean discovered that only one of the dispensers had paper towels and there was a line. Sick of the whole business by now and how long it had taken, Jean grabbed her tote and dried her hands on the armpits of her sweater as she ran out of the restroom to her gate.

The last of the passengers were loading and Frank was pacing, looking at his watch. Not seeing the warning signs in Jean's eyes, Frank growled, "What took you so long?!"

At their destination, Jean and Frank were the last to leave the plane. Frank left in a body bag. Jean, her right eye twitching, left in handcuffs.

~~~

HAPPY HALLOWEEN! Enjoy your day! No, seriously, enjoy! LITS!*

As always, thank you for coming by to visit the Playhouse and special thanks to you if you take the time to join as a follower! Please let me know you came by so I can be sure and return the flavor!

Edited to add: Hopefully, it's just me, but FYI Google decided to play a Blogger Halloween Trick on me today. I woke up with none of your comments going in my email inbox again! When I went to Layout, Comments, sure enough, my email address was no longer in the box!! What in heaven's name?! Goblins? So flustruating!

*Life is too short!

To open the pop-up comment box that let's you jump to the end w/o scrollingClick CTL + Home. Click the Home tab under my blog banner which resets the post. Click Page Down to reach the end of the post. Click Comments and a pop-up box opens. Click "Jump to Comment Form" and wallah, no more car pool tunnel! Mwah! (p.s. If you ask me a question in your comment, please remember to leave me your email address so I can respond. Thank you!)

50 comments:

Sue said...

Hi Darnell, Lovely card.

Did chuckle at the tale.

Hope you have a good day. Sue

Glennis said...

Hilarious!!!!

Linda said...

OMG! I can't stop giggling ..... great way to start the morning. Fab card too. Happy Halloween hun ..... now I need to go and pee!!! xx

Sandra H said...

Lol ooh so funny Darnell my cheeks are sore...fabulous is your card too Happy Halloween to you too x

Inkyfingers said...

It's great to start the day with a big grin on my face and your story is so funny because it is sooooo true! I love your Halloween card Darnell - a great mix of spooky and cute. Hope you are well.
Hugs
Carol x

Marilyn said...

OMG!! I cannot stop laughing at your story and that toilet paper issue is on point! And by the way I love your card!
Have a great day!
Marilyn❤

KandA said...

Fabulous halloween card Darnell and I did have a good chuckle at that story. How true it is and I've learnt (from experience) to make sure I've got plenty of tissues and wet wipes with me when frequenting such places xx

Stamps and Paper said...

Your post made me smile Darnell brilliant tale...your spooky halloween card is great...sadly we dont get any callers at our door not many young children live near to us...

Anne

Jeanne said...

Your card is great fun! Your horror story is fantastic!

Ros Crawford said...

OMG That did make me laugh and haven't we all been in that same situation!!
Fabulous card... whoever gets it will be thrilled... Have a wonderful evening!!

Em Louise Fairley said...

Love the card and story too xoxo

I Card Everyone said...

LOve that you've had such fun with your goodies from Mike's! Fang-u-lous card - and all the mini-yous… such an added bonus!
=]

Sylvia said...

Darnell, The tale made me laugh! Have a great day. Sylvia D.

scrAPpamondo said...

I haven't time to read and translate all your modern story, but surely it would make me laugh... :D You are the most humorous person that I know in blogland! :D
The petrified bat card is really striking with that hologram window,the bats and the spooky "happy halloween" stripes!!
Have a great evening

Brenda in IN said...

Love the card and the story. There should be a law that all toilet paper should be hung the same way, either over or under. AND three ply! Then you wouldn't need 38 feet. You started my day off with a laugh. Happy Halloween.

Susan said...

Oh goodness, you captured the airport washroom experience perfectly - coping with carry on bag, purse, coat, tiny stall, dirty floor, sinks and soap -it’s all there. It makes a great real life horror story. Great Halloween card too.

Lori said...

Love the snarky Halloween card - it's so cute! Enjoyed the Horror story, too - still laughing!

designbydonna said...

ROTFL.. or PIMPL (pee in my pants laughing). If that's not a text code it should be. Loved your story. Can't we all identify?

Darnell said...

Test

conil said...

This sounds too horribly familiar. Could it be that this is how serial killers are born? Happy Spook Day!

Jenny L said...

Hi Darnell,
what a very brilliant Halloween card and your design is so fabulous.
Oh my your cautionery tale takes me back to visiting my sister on the bus and a very imilar occurance with a large suitcase I had.
Luckily there was no Husband with me. LOL. or he would have lookd after the case or maybe I would have been taken away in handcuffs too.
I just had 3 mins to do my stuff and get to the other bus station for my journey onwrds.
Still don't know how I managed it.
Thank you for joining the MAWTT Challenge.
Lots of crafty love and hugs. Jenny L DT

Cat Craig said...

Happy Halloween! Love the card and the story.

Marcia HIll said...

And a happy Halloween to you too you petrified bat! JK!! But gosh did you have me laughing...LOVE it!! And thanks for taking the time to type up the story too...too, too funny!! :0)

Donna said...

Love that snarky and spooky sentiment!
Thanks for joining the SHOPPING OUR STASH crew for Witching Hour!!

Glittered Paws said...

Your Halloween card was just too cute and the story was hilarious. Have a Boo-eautiful day.

Linda W. (ScrappinBari) said...

Darling batty card, Darnell, & I chuckled at your toilet tale. Was sure the poor protagonist was going to find an empty toilet paper roll - that’s what happens to me!! Have a Happy Halloween!!

Lisa Elton said...

Oh this is fun and, the mini glimpses of you are the icing on the cake!

Crealientje said...

Booha!!
Nice Halloween card.
Happy Halloween!
Have fun.
Hugs Crealientje.

Redanne said...

Love, love, love your card, so perfect for today! The story is hilarious, I was thinking, if that was me, I wouldn't have made it into the stall, so kudos to Jean for controlling herself so well! Thanks for your visit and your lovely comment on my post! Big hugs, Annie xxx

Kathleen said...

A really great card, love the frightening images shown in the reflection!!!???
Great tale, I believe they are called Rest Rooms in America, think they should change the name but at least Jean's hubby will be at rest now, lol.

Kath x

Bunny said...

I forgot what the card was because I got engrossed in the story but I know it had to be fabulous. I feel like "Jean" sometimes. You gotta laugh at that story because more than a few of us have been in that situation before.

Google has been killing me lately. I somehow lost the edit/pencil icon and half the people aren't receiving my comments. I hope you're not one of them after I've typed all this. [Bunny]

Bonnie said...

Those goblins with get you if you don't watch out! After that story I've forgotten what the card was! Oh yes, the petrified bat! I thought that was probably for Kevin but on introspection, it could be me! Happy Halloween! xoxo

Cheryl W. said...

Your card is wonderful, your horror story fantastic. I'm still giggling over poor Jean's antics. Any of it autobiographic?

Christine Alexander said...

Darnell how on earth do you come up with these wonderful yarns :)
I love that hologram image of you in the card.
Hugs Christine

ike said...

Bwahahahaha - awesome !! I can totally relate to that experience LoL Fabulous story.
Love your bat card too hee hee
HAPPY HALLOWEEN xxx

Pat said...

A great Halloween card Darnell, and what a fun story with situations we can all recognise in one way or another...lol. x

Wendy L said...

Super card for our Halloween challenge at MAWTT. Xxx

Happy Dance said...

Your story proclaims the horrors we, as women, go through every time we enter a public restroom. I've actually put my purse around my neck when there's been no hook on the door.... I hate using 'ladies' rooms.' You've made a fun and not one bit scary Halloween card, too. You look great, too, as multiple mini-yous. And poor, poor Frank. He should have just kept his mouth shut..... Bev

Leslie Miller said...

Oh, hahahahahahahahaha! It wouldn't be nearly as funny if it didn't sound so familiar! Thanks for a good belly laugh! I was already giggling just a little bit from peering into the petrified bat hologram and finding you there. That really is a cute card and you surely should send it to one of your wonderful BFFs. It's too bad your image wouldn't still be in the hologram, though. Fun stuff, Darnell!

Greta said...

Good ol' blogger! Had fun seeing the little ones, but such a miserable night for Fritz. Sure glad it's only once a yr. That is one snarky card!

Maxine D said...

Fun card Darnell, and an even more hilarious story - having just travelled to and from Australia, I can relate to it... but thankfully we down under are a wee bit more civilised. I think ;)
Blessings
Maxine

Maria Rodriguez. said...

Hahahahaha!!!!! I can see little bits of you in the specks inside your card, super fabulous and clever, love it.
And your story had me in stitches, what an ordeal for poor Jeane, and unfortunately, this is at times, what happens in public restrooms, ughhh!!
A piece of advice for all you guys who have gone through this terrible experience.....When traveling and even when going out to a restaurant, ALWAYS carry a good amount of tissues, a small bar of soap, a pack of those disposable toilet seat covers, available at any pharmacy and a washcloth from home to dry your hands, in your purse, believe me, I learned my lesson real well when my hubby and I were traveling all over the US. This will save you a whole lot of aggravation and anxiety when you need to use public restrooms.
Anyway my dear, thank you for sharing this fabulous card and hilarious and scary story with us at SHOPPING OUR STASH, hope you come and play again soon.
Hugs.
Maria.

Carol L said...

OMG, that story is just hilarious and I can SO relate!! LOL Thanks for the good giggles this morning, and I love the card too BTW! Hope your Halloween was fun - it was very quiet here:)

Fikreta said...

love this card!
its so great!
hugs

Mrs A. said...

Darnell your priceless. So glad I'm not the only one who pulls my jumper sleeves down and though I have never actually counted the revolutions, yep my hand has disappeared inside that trap door on many occasions. Now we need to have part 2 . So how did Jean do the dastardly deed? Was it her trusty pencil honed to pin point sharpness or maybe she removed the battery from his pacemaker? Do tell.
Hugs Mrs A.
P.s. Your bat is a cutey.

Anita in France said...

Hahahahahaha ... from one petrified bat to another, Darnell ... tears and legs come to mind! Poor Jean, going through that rest room trauma ... and poor Frank being oblivious ... now they're both in deep doodoo! That holographic panel is fun so with the mini you's in it ... looking good! LYAMYHMA ... CWYT! Big hugs and bisous, Anita :)

Patti J said...

What a cute card, and a fun bonus that your are in the photo! Love it. The story made me laugh out loud - been there, done that, no fun! Thanks for sharing :) Sorry I've been MIA - still trying to get over my June illness. I'll try to do better!

JD/ Jill said...

Great card and yes, I have also photographed myself in some of my reflective cards...Yikes. cute story. I have there myself...

Ruth said...

You do tell the funniest yarns..... Love the snarky sentiment on this. We had very few guisers (that's Scottish for Trick or Treaters) this year owing to rain and so there are far too many sweets for me to munch on..... xx

Mac Mable said...

Fun and fabulous card Darnell and did so love your tale, which I could relate to a little bit too much X thank you for sharing it with us X